Thursday, March 14, 2013

The baby I never got to hold

Well, this blog has been long abandoned.  I didn't really like bloggers new lay-out so I think I got tired of using it. But I want to blog now.

I'm having a baby. I'm 16.5 weeks along. This is our second pregnancy, I guess it will be my first child.

We were expecting a baby back in August. We lost that little one. That sweet baby. I was 10.5 weeks along when we found out our baby's heart had stopped beating. Id had a subchorionic hemorrhage at 8.5 weeks (That is, I started bleeding quite a bit and it was from a bleed in the placenta) and saw our little one's heart beating on the ultrasound in the Emergency Room. That's the only time we ever saw our baby. :'-(  The bleeding stopped and we hoped our baby was okay. I had bad morning sickness and  we took that as a good sign. We had already planned to spend some time at my Brother and Sister In Laws house near Virginia Beach to see their new comic book store. We went there and had a really great time. everyone was excited about the baby. Things seemed to go okay...till 10.5 weeks. I started bleeding. I called my midwives and got an emergency appointment for an ultrasound. Part of me felt really silly going in. My husband joined me for the Ultrasound. By that time I had convinced myself I was just bleeding a little more from the SCH. I was actually a little excited to see my baby again by that point.

But it turned out our baby had died. They think the baby passed sometime in the 9th week. My world felt like it was caving in. I was so sad. My husband was so sad. Our family and friends were amazingly supportive and loving. The only people who said stupid things were professionals. :-/

Since we didnt know if our baby was a boy or a girl we chose a name that could work for either. The baby we lost is named Liran Taavi. It means "My song, My joy! Dearly loved."  Liran was due to be born April 10th of this year. I'm having a hard time NOT having my baby right now. Here's my Liran Taavi, this is a shot from the ultrasound we had at 8.5 weeks, when we saw the baby's heart beating.

Liran is laying on his/her side. The baby's head is on the left hand side of the screen, you can see the eyes. The arms are surrounding the dark spot, which was where we saw Liran's heart beating. On the right are Liran's lil legs.

I've been missing my sweet Liran a lot lately. I do not believe "everything happens for a reason," nor do I believe that it was "God's plan" for my baby to grow in my womb for nine and a half weeks and then die. I also dont believe that "there was probably something wrong with Liran" OR the implication that my life is better off not raising a seriously disabled child, if that's even who Liran was. It would have been my honor to have taken care of my child every day of its life if that was needed. (Sorry, one of the nurses told me that it was natures way of "sparing" me the heart ache of raising a "sick baby.")

What I do believe is that my sweet baby is living in Heaven, with Jesus. That brings me comfort. I'd secretly hoped Liran would be born a few days earlier, on Easter.I imagined that was the most beautiful day of ther year for a new life to begin. This Easter will come and go and my Liran will not be born. Liran wont be born on the April 10th due date either. This year, Liran will celebrate Easter, not by being born or being waited for, hidden safely in my womb, but rather Liran will spend this Easter safe in the arms of his/her savior. I imagine there is extra celebrating in Heaven on Easter. Extra joy in celebrating the victory over death. I bet there is nothing more beautiful than that.

I will spend this Easter waiting. Waiting for this new sweet baby to grow and grow- to be born sometime around the last week of August or there abouts. And...waiting for the day- hopefully many years from now, where I will get to meet my Liran face to face. Then, I will hold my baby.

Sigh. When I logged on here I thought I was going to be talking about the baby growing inside me now. I guess not. I guess I needed to talk about my first baby.

2 Corinthians 4:8, 17-18:

“We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not
in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.”

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