Friday, April 1, 2011

A bleeding heart

Sorry, my spellcheck isnt working! Good luck!

Ive been badly negecting this blog, which is unfortunate. I think in part I ignore it because I dont think it is ever read and in part because I dont know what the dirrection of the blog should be. The former has never stopped me from writing before. Ive been writing since before I knew how form my letters and its only been in recent years that I have had an oppertunity to put that suff where people can see it. LOL. I used to keep a blog about a health condition that I struggle with. I did that for four years and built an incredible support system that way, but in the past year or so everybody has migrated away from that site My health is also much better right now and I dont identify myself as much by my illness anymore. Anyways, not knowig the dirrection of this blog IS a problem. Initailly I started it as a way of doing homework assignmetns for a sociology class...I had to find things around me that reminded me of problems in society and give my opinion of it. (Yeah that was an easy class!) But then I wanted to kinda continue that but put in more about my personal life/intersets and aspirations. I also want this to be a possitive blog, which is sometimes hard because I have a hard time always being positive (dirrectly related to my health issues.)

Well, today I am just going to write soemthing that has been on my heart. Im currently in pre-Nursing school. Its a long story why Im not in Nursing School yet, and Im not going to tell it now. I have my pre-requisites done for the most part, but amd gonna retake a few of them becasue I got some Cs in the anatomy and physiology classes and I need higher grades to get into other schools (I have all As besides theose A&P classes and math classes.) So, sicne it has taken me so long to get this far, I have also been working on my associates in social work. So here is the deal, I want to be a missionary. Thats all Ive ever wanted to do, but Ive always felt lead to do medical missions and have been trying to get my nursing degree since I was 18. Im actaully a pretty good student but finances and my health has made this a slow road.

My husband, who was once very open to missions is now- not really into it at all. He wants to make money and have nice cars and live in the suburbs. There's actually nothing wrong with this. Lots of American's feel this way, but its not at all how I am oriented. As I began to discover these things I was gripped with a crushing depression. Its litterally been since before Kindergarden that I knew I felt called to missions. I selected my husband VERY carefully with this goal in mind. I actually turned down marriage proposals from nice, godly gentlemen simply becasue I wasnt willing to pass on what I felt was my God-given calling. Before we were married, my husband spoke of wanting to be involved in the ministry but that he didn't know in what capacity. He said when he met me, he felt like it was Gods way of dirrecting him to the ministry he had planned for him. He siad that he felt called to marry me, and that  becasue I already had a calling in my life, then he knew that was also Gods calling on his life (since God was bringing our lives together.) Ministry was a HUGE focus of our premarital counseling. We also were in a Missions class together before the wedding that concluded a few weeks after the wedding last summer. When that class ended, so did my husbadns interest in missions. He no longer likes for me to talk about missions. Sometimes when he starts talking about all the material goods he wants and I ask when missions will fit into the plan and he seems exasperated with me. Like I say, as this stuff started unfolding, I really was over come by depression.

In recent weeks I have been doing better, depression wise. I guess for a while I felt really confused. I felt like maybe I had msunderstood God, either about Missions or about Marriage. But the more I think about it, the less I believe I got that wrong. I know Im supposed to be my husbands wife. I prayed a lot about it and really felt it was the right decision. And I love my husband. What I am now trying to do is figure out what I want to do with my life- what Gods dirrection form my life is. I want my life to be something that will bring glory to God, something that will call those who have been astranged from their heavenly father to a knowlege of his saving grace. Nursing was always my prefered means of doing that. I knew that with nursing, i could minister to somebodies physcial needs and it would nto matter if I could speak their language. I longed to provide medical care to those who had no earthly hope to access such care. Thats where my heart as ALWAYS been.

I LOVE people. Ive been accused of being a bleeding heart more than once or twice. Do you ever just drive by somebody random on the street and just start thinking about how wholey and completely they are loved by God? That Christ DIED for them to have a realtionship with them. This happens to me A LOT. I've been known to just become overwhelmed by emotion at this thought that i sttart to cry and pray for that person. i cannot watch the news because its really too heavey for me. I feel like I sometimes feel the actual pain of the people described. As a write, I have to a be a good empathizer. As somebody who has suffered much pain and loss in this life, its not hard for me to tap into these feelings when I see soembody hurting. I beleive God designed me this way on purpose. I belive he WANTS  me to do soemthing with it. The truth is, if I am going to be stuck here in the US, I do NOT want to be a shift nurse. I see ZERO point to it. I have no passion for it.

Ive considered pushing and pushing my hsuband, manipulating him into agreeing to do Missions, like he did before we were married, but I dont think that would be God-honoring. I have to find a way to honor God in this situation. So I am asking myself, what do I want to do? What tallents has God give me? How can I make an impact here? I dont think missions had to be to far away lands (although I always THOUGHT I was called to serve over seas) Maybe God has a plan for me to be a missionary right here? I long to do foster care and adoption. Ive always wanted a huge family and adoption is how I want to make that happen.In particular, I want to be able to foster/adopt sibling groups.That will certainly impact lives, but I think I can do more than that. I want to homeschool- my vision was always homeschooling on the missions feild, but I've also considered teaching. I know in public schools you are very limited to what you are allowed to talk about so that could be limiting too. So, Ive considered somehthing like a private  Chrisitan montisori school, but I dont really want to minister only to kids from Christian homes. I am close to having my associates in social work- I've thought about working with DCYF- but if I do get the chance to do missions in the future, well, thats not really a transferable skill. Ive wondered if my husbadn could ever be pursuaded to be house parents to a childrens home. I saw some on missions websites before down in the south. But i dont know- that might also interfere with our ability to have children that we get to "keep." I've also though about doing somehting in therapy and working with children recovering from trauma and those with attachment issues, the mom I nanny for (who has her masters in Psychology and three adopted children from fostercare) said that is a hopeless career and the therapists who work in that feild are not able to fix the children or do much to make them better. But what if God was involved in the therapy? .... What else? I love agriculture, but again, mostlty envision that being useful to missions. I could see practicle applications for it in the inner city, but my husband doesnt want me to work in the inner city because he is afraid Ill get hurt. Ive considered pursing the nursing and planning to work in a not-for-profit but agan, with the inner city issue. I cannot imagine doing anything with my life that would not be working to make other peoples lives more bareable.

So in short, I have lots of ideas and Im excited to figure out how I want to make this work. Of course Im never going to give up praying for God to turn my husband's heart back to Missions, Im never going to stop praying that my hsuband's heart will be softened towards the people God loves. But I also need to figure out who I can serve God here, where I am. I need to have the best attitude about this possible, as if I was doing EVERYTHING as if unto the Lord. So, trying to figure this all out has been kinda stressful, if you happen to have read this, please pray as I decide what to do. Ask God to revel his will for my life-- or at least the next steps he wants me to take. And pray for my attitude all the while!