I don’t know exactly what has been going on lately, but I have really been having a hard time connecting with God lately. When I pray, I have a very lonesome feeling not much different than when I’m talking to a wall. I want to skip church (but haven’t been) and reading my Bible, although it seems like a good idea, just hasn’t been happening as much as it should. I just feel so, disconnected!
It doesn’t make sense because I know Jesus is what my soul needs. It feels confusing because even as I look forward to the celebration of Christmas, I can’t pull myself out, and prayer hasn’t helped yet. I was skipping around my apartment the other day after M and I put up our tiny Christmas trees. My dogs looked at me funny and I just told them that there was no way they could understand the JOY, and HOPE that is intrinsic in Christmas. Christmas is celebrated at the time of year when Jesus was most likely conceived within Mary by the Holy Spirit. Mid to late December is also the darkest time of the year. So God, who IS light, came to us in human form during the darkest part of the year. The child would grow into the man that would be crucified for our sins, so that WE….so that WE could have a relationship with the almighty God, the maker of the universe. How cool is that????
So then, why am I disconnected from the God who would do that for me lately? I have a few ideas…one is that I have anger, resentment and rebellion in my heart. I don’t want to get into the specifics, but suffice it to say that sometimes, when we are Christians, we think our good behavior, our ability to follow rules (even when done with the truest of intensions) sometimes causes us to believe that we should be spared certain turmoil in life. HA! Imagine that? We think we are so holy that we can somehow opt out of the difficulties of life. It’s laughable when I put it in those terms. But I think that is what has happened to me…and that is basically the sin of pride. So I have the normal (and less-than-normal) hurts of life come along and I feel HURT. But then PRIDE steps in and we add on top of that HURT feelings of ANGER, RESENTMENT, and REBELION and NO WONDER I am feeling disconnected from God! I think I *just* figured out my problem…why didn’t I write this out before?
Thank you Jesus, for your mercy and grace. I know you hate pride. Please teach me to accept what you have for me with humility and joy.