The DH and I have been talking more and more about what we could do to make my little dream of living on a piece of land a reality. We are considering everything from trailer homesteading to log cabin kits to straw bale geodesic domes and all kinds of other things. All our ideas are focused on ways we could achieve this without a mortgage or 150k in savings.

I know its nutty, but I find myself thinking that if only we could find a way to eliminate the money we pour into rent each month, we could afford to live on considerably less and be able to achieve financial independence a lot earlier. Reducing our monthly expenses would free us up to spend more time focused on whats important in life like family. Like our daughter.

Obviously there are costs associated with home ownership. We are not naive to that. The difference would be that any maintenance and improvements done to our own property would be an investment rather than a temporary solution to a long term need.

In the past when I have talked about this idea with people they have shot me down and pointed out all the flaws and expenses associated with such a plan. It kinda left me feeling like it would always be a pipe dream but in the last few weeks I have found bloggers, forums and books dedicated to the very topic of living without a mortgage and becoming financially independent. Its really neat to lurk on those sites and start building ideas. Its neat to not hear that Im crazy and it can never happen.

I dont know. It still might never happen for me. But a girl can dream. 

Filling my days with daydreams of simplicity...

My newborn is of the verity that likes to nurse once an hour and cries when we set her down. So I spend a lot of time confined to bed or the table. I have a couple different carriers that I can wear her in but its still tricky because she doesn't have enough head and neck control to nurse that way yet.

So, while I nurse her I surf the web and daydream. I like to dream about downsizing. My husband and I live in a small rental apartment house. Its bigger than the tiny home I grew up in with a mom, dad, three siblings, four cats and countless short term guests. So of course, I always think about how we could make do with so much less space.

The tiny little casita I grew up in with my family, it was just 750 square feet.

I won't lie, part of the reason a downsize appeals to me is the idea of a reduction in rental expenses. We live in a state with some of the highest cost of living in the country and housing here is just insane. With my husband still in school and me working only part time, our income is very tight. About half of what comes in is spent on rent alone. But the fact of the matter is, unless we are willing to move into a crappy apartment in a dangerous part of town with crazy slumlords landlords, we cant actually find a cheaper place to rent. This scenario combined with my love of simplicity, eco-sustainability, tightwad habits and adventure and I find myself day dreaming about how to live rent free in ways most people would cringe at.

I like the idea of living in an RV and moving from free state campsites to campsite every few days. That might be fun. But even more than that I love the idea of buying a small plot of land and living in a yurt, camper or tumbleweed home off the grid while we build our own earth sheltered dwelling place. In my mind, we magically inherit $15,000 that buys a little plot in the town we currently live in. I find and renovate one of the motor homes I see offered on Craigslist for 0-1,000 and we save the nearly 12,000 a year we put into our rental  to build the Dream Home.

Wouldn't a yurt like this be dreamy?

In a rare act of indulging my whimsy, my husband accompanied my to a plot of land down a quiet country road in our town today. As I stood in the over-grown lot with him in the rain, gazing at the beautiful burnt out shell of a house on a hillside too steep to do much of anything but raise goats, a spark of hope was kindled in me. I see it all-- the earth sheltered house, the passive solar heating, the chicken coop and dairy goat pens, the clothesline filled with cloth diapers, the children running around in the enormous vegetable garden.... I can almost hear the crackling of the wood in our homemade rocket-stove and the creaking of our wind turbine.

The actual property we looked at today.

Yeah, I know its not realistic- I could write a book on reasons it wouldn't work. For starters, my husband would be miserable. He hates the idea of rustic and small- the combination would surely kill him. He would never be on board with living out of a "tent"- as he calls Yurts. Never mind the fact that we are both so busy with work and school that we would never have time to put the work into it that we would need to make it happen. Not to mention neither of us know a thing about building a home or setting up off grid capabilities to a camper.

But....I still cant help but dream.

Happy Halloween and a DIY Baby Roo Costume.

Happy Halloween! Today is my baby's first holiday, and what a fun one Halloween is! As far back as I can remember I have enjoyed making costumes- for play, for renaissance fairs and for the church harvest festival. I mean, combining crafting and make believe play? It doesnt get better than that!

This year I wanted to make the baby a costume. I wanted to dress her up as Roo from Winnie the Pooh but I knew I wouldnt have time to sew an outfit from scratch. So I went to the children's consignment show looking for a brown sleeper suit and found one that looked like a monkey. I knew it would do perfectly. Heres the baby modeling the before shot of the costume, unaltered.

And another shot of the monkey sleeper jammies. The Jammies are a size 6 months and my little miss is just barely out of the newborn size clothes. So this is pretty big on her but since she cant walk and trip in it i figured it was fine. ;) These jammies cost $4.99.

Next, I had to find a blue shirt since Roo wears a blue, long sleeved turtle neck. I was lucky to find EXACTLY that although I would have been content with a plain blue t-shirt. The shirt was $.99 at the thrift store.Surprisingly finding a blain blue shirt of any kinda was tricky. I looked for a few weeks before I found this one. Its a size 24 months.

Finally, I needed some felt to make the ears ,tail and to make letters to put Roo's name on the shirt. I used 4 sheets and each one cost just .33 cents. I got two browns, a pink and a white.

So first I put the t-shirt over the jammies. I considered cutting the shirt down the middle from bottom to top adn stitching it to the jammies to make it easier to put on and take off, but since Im a tight-wad, I didn't want to ruin the shirt. Also because the shirt and jammies were so large, I felt confident I could get the baby in and out easily enough.

I folded the bottom of the shirt up and basted the hem in place. Again, I didnt want to cut it or put real hems in it that would ruin the shirt. I also rolled up the sleeves.

Next, I drew the letters on to the back of the felt material. You have to make the R backwards if you want to be sure not to have pen marks on the front of the letters that would show up on the shirt. I just free-handed these letters but you could use a stencil too. I cut those out and basted them in place.

For the ears I made a stencil out of an old cereal box and traced it on the pink. Then I cut them out and used them as a guide to make the same shape on the brown. I wanted the brown just a little larger than the pink so it would show in the front. At first, I tried to glue the front and back together. That didnt work so I ended up sewing it really quickly on my sewing machine. I only went around the edge ot the side of the eats, leaving the bottom open. I then was able to stuff the monkey ears into these Roo ears and safety pin them in place. Sewing them in place would have been a nicer option but I was doing "quick crafting" as my baby doesnt like to let me do much besides nurse her.

Finally, I free-handed a tail to cover the monkey tail on the costume. I made it out of the brown felt and then sewed around the edge except for the base which I left open in order to stuff the monkey tail inside. I safety pinned it in place. Then I gathered a couple inches of fabric on the monkey PJs and safety pinned them. This gathered bit makes the jammies fit my baby better and also gives the illusion of a Roo's legs which are shorter in the back than in the front.

And Tada! We are done!

I don't get the chalkboard-paint-on-everything fad.

I mean, i just don't. Why does everything need to be written/drawn on? Okay, nice chalkboard signs and placards, tags, ONE wall in a room, table tops and even cups, I get it. But why does it have to be on all.the.things??? 

I've seen chalk board paint:

• covering whole rooms
• on earrings---so you can draw on your earring to match your outfit?
• on baby bibs
• on Christmas tree ornaments
• covering whole refrigerators
• covering a chest of drawers/dresser
• on Easter eggs in lieu of dye
• As fancy wall art
• On pumpkins

Now, I love to doodle as much as the next gal. But this really doesnt make sense to me. I mean, chalkboard paint is usually black (but of course we have all seen the pinterest pin about how to make any paint into chalkboard paint) so its dark and not suited to cover walls in huge rooms and its very unforgiving of that nasty chalk dust that always covers the surface. 

Also, if its regularly written/drawn on then it will usually feature sloppy handwriting and scribbles and half-erased messages and CHALK DUST! At this point it ceases to be an art piece and just becomes and eyesore. And if its NOT drawn on but is meant to feature a permanent word, design or image, why do it in chalk which wipes away so easily?? 

I just think this trend is bizarre and outta control. Chalkboard paint, like all things is much better enjoyed in moderation.

No offense to people who have chalkboard paint covered houses. :)

Baby Is Here

My baby was born a little over seven weeks ago- on August 22nd. A beautiful little girl. Still trying to decide what to call her here in the blog world. I'll have to write about her birth some time. Ive been putting it off but it needs to be done.

She weighed a little over 7lbs and was 19 inches long.

We are settling in nicely. Shes a pretty mellow baby. Only cries when shes hungry. She nurses great, sometimes all day and all night long. Hehe. And she is growing so fast! She was up to 9lbs 2 3 ounces last Thursday.

Im really, really in love.

Prepping for Baby

Well, Im 37.5 weeks along. This means my baby could arrive at any moment. But statistically, it will be another 2.5 to about 4 .5 weeks. So, we shall see what happens. Im just relieved to be to that 37 week mark where the baby can be born and NOT be considered premature.

Anyways, nesting instinct. Wowzers is it strong! I feel like I need everything in the house to be PERFECT. Im decluttering, rearranging, decorating, organizing, etc. Its often that my drive to get stuff done outlasts my physical stamina to accomplish it right now and that's a little frustrating. Im trying to be conscious of my body and not overly tax it because- since I could go into labor any day, I feel its wise not to get down to zero energy. Ill need energy to birth my baby after all. 

Im also cooking up a storm. I have lots of freezer meals prepped and I have got to rearrange my freezer now to see if I can fit any more. I'm kinda out of space. We just have a small freezer above our refrigerator, not a stand alone freezer, so that does limit me. But I'm glad to have in there what I do. We eat vegan so I have; lentil loaves and mashed potatoes, bean chili (and need to make the cornbread,) a dozen beans and rice burritos, casseroles of veggies and black bean enchiladas and guacamole, one meal of macaroni and yellow sauce, waffles, pancakes, and banana bran bread. I still have to make a few pizzas and pot pies, minimally, 'cus I already have the crusts in the freezer and even if I am out of room those can at least be filled/topped. But there are several other things I want to make. I think all the food I have listed will feel us for a little over a week and a half. And I know some of my friends are planning to give me freezer meals at my Blessing way this weekend- so I need to be sure to have room for those too. :) 

My dad is coming down this Sunday. It will be nice to see him and his wife He's bringing me a cradle he made for the baby. He made me a cradle for my dolls when I was a small girl and its so sweet that he now made one for this little baby. 

Life is good!

Well, I'm 36 weeks and two days pregnant. I got to enjoy my baby shower this past weekend with some very sweet ladies from my church. We really have just about all we need at this point and what we have not received, I will be picking up soon using the gift cards we got. I am immensely grateful. :) And Im very much looking forward to my blessingway that my hippie friends are planning for the second weekend in August. Yay, henna belly!!

I have been off work since the 8th of this month, kinda unexpectedly. Too much to go into here, but everyone is fine and its not related to my pregnancy. Weekend before last, I took my friends three children camping. I went with another couple of friends and their kids and a few more friends. Hehe. I was lucky my husband made it too because of a lucky gap before he started his new job. All told, we had 20 people at our camp location- 12 of whom were kids (okay, okay, including my yet-to-be-born baby!) It was a ton of fun. Of course a lot of people thought I was crazy to go camping at 35 weeks pregnant, and to bring kids along no less, but it was something I VERY MUCH wanted to do and I feel so lucky it worked out! We stayed two nights, three days. It was perfect time-wise. There was a heat wave but we had a fabulous lake to swim in and I also brought a fan along. Haha. Ummm, other creature comforts I had included an air mattress. My husband prefers them for camping and I think its silly but this time I wasn't arguing!!  There were so many grown ups around, each in charge of their own set of kids that the childcare part went really easy for me. I kinda helped with meals, Kept eyes out for the kids and relaxed. Im hoping to go again next year--yes, with a baby in tow!

Lately, I have been keeping very, very busy preparing for this lil bubs arrival. This includes purchasing things we have been putting off, setting things up, cleaning the house to within an inch of its life, grooming the dogs (trying to minimize shedding fur!!) lining up care for the dogs, prepping freezer meals for after babies arrival, organizing the house, rearranging the house, making sure things are straight with my insurance, making my labor playlist (downloading a million CDs to do so,) and buying and gathering all the supplies necessary to have a successful home birth per my midwives list. Sigh....Oh, no wonder if feels like Im so busy. Looking at that list I see I really am quite busy. I have to actively remind myself to slooooowdown.

I've been getting a lot of contractions lately. Not the Braxton Hicks contractions I was getting earlier. More like "real contractions," supposedly. They are not ramping up so I don't think it means labor is eminent. I just need this kid to hang out 'till Sunday at the soonest because the Midwives cant deliver at home before week 37! Of course, it would be nice if Im able to get in and to the legal change of name before the baby comes...Umm, I still havent legally switched over to my married name. Opps.

Okay, I'll leave you with some of my favorite photos from my mini maternity session my sister and I shot on Sunday. Isnt she a talented photographer for just a hobbyist?

First private sale!

Well, I made my first PRIVATE sale. :) I sold a paperback book that I picked up for free for $1.75, customer paid for shipping but I lost a little by having to purchase a mailer at full price ( I have a bunch of wholesale priced envelopes on order so that expense will be minimized) I also had the sales fee...so when all is said and done, I think I made something like $1.50-$1.60 on the sale?

I do know that's not much but it was exciting to me. From what I understand, if I can manage to make a bunch of small sales on eBay or Half, I will build up my reputation and people will be more likely to make bigger purchases form me. We shall see, I guess.

Im still planning to sell a few books directly to book retailers. I *know* I'm losing out on the opportunity to make more money by selling them myself, but its a guaranteed sale, so for the time being I think it might be a good idea. I guess time will tell.

I think the main things holding me back right now are technology!! My camera is on the fritz. It works sometimes, it doesn't work other times. It never focuses in micro, it hardly focuses on in auto. Its just a mess. When I do manage to get photos of the merchandise to post, the eBay photo upload process causes my crappy little netbook to crash. Grrr. So, I still only have one thing currently listed for buyers to see on eBay! Thats very frustrating to me. I cant make sales if nothing is listed. My mother-in-law wants to send us her old digital point and shoot. My (home health) client has a similar one which I have used, and it might work. Those don't do great for detail but its heaps better than the camera we have now. Im also gonna try uploading the pictures via my husbands computer though, once hes not so slammed with summer school finals.

I do have a couple dozen books listed on half.com and a few books on Amazon.com. Still have stuff on etsy too. But Im expecting my primary money maker will be eBay, so the fact that Im not able to use that resource now? Not good.

Remind me later to take some photos of my inventory storage set up and to tell that story. I love organizing. LOL.

Okay, now for pregnancy news.
How far along? 30 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Not really sure where I am...
Maternity clothes? Yup, have been since about 10 weeks! Maybe earlier?.
Stretch marks? None so far, but I envision them coming soon, I FEEL so stretched!
Best moment this week: Kinda  a rough week, with more than one day of working a 12 hour shift, so I guess my best moment was making that sale. Yeah, that puny little dollar sixty profit gave me a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe one day I will be able to work from home and not be killing myself working for other people while my own house is sitting a disaster zone.
Have you told family and friends: Everyone. ;)
Miss Anything? My energy?
Movement: Lots and lots. Its almost constant.
Food cravings: ehh, maybe still sweets a bit?
Anything making you queasy or sick: The heat
Have you started to show yet: Still am
Gender: No clue
Names: Still no boy name, girl name is a secret...kinda
Labor Signs: No, but lots of Brackston-Hicks(sp?) contractions
Belly Button in or out? outie, been an outie since about 14ish weeks?
Wedding rings on or off? On, for the most part. I have to take them off sometimes and Ive had to remove my other ring I wear and my watch due to swelling.
Happy or Moody most of the time: A little moody, especially when its hot and Im working like a slave ;)
Looking forward to: Making sales on eBay. LOL, yeah, I'm a loser. 

My Foray into the World of Online Sales

29 weeks along today! It would be reasonable to expect this little on to arrive in 8-13 weeks from now. Eek! That's soon. We most likely have about 11 weeks, but still...it's so soon!

So, with the baby's imminent arrival, I have been thinking a lot about what life will look like after its arrival. Before my morning sickness got very bad, I was working three days a week for pretty good pay. I have not been able to get back up to those three days a week yet and probably wont until the November! I've been really considering how to work more from home and have been beginning to experiment with that.

I have a lot of skills that would lend well to certain businesses but unfortunately my rental agreement forbids running a business out of the home so that severely limits me. So I've had to get...well, actually less creative, more typical. id love to have a vegan food service or even a homeschool tutoring service for parents who work during the day, but I cant do those things. I am allowed to have an internet based business, though. Anyways, it started off that I sold a bunch of textbooks that were laying around the house to some online retailers. And then I got the idea of buying books to sell. And I've been doing that and having some real success. I've made a couple hundred within two weeks. I bought a smart phone to use some of the apps to make it easier to buy only books that sell well and that has already helped. And I'm researching a TON!! Thankfully there are a lot of blogs and articles about selling things online. There's a lot to learn. I've made a couple mistakes, thankfully only one that has actually cost us any money (40 bucks, eek!)

Now, I have rummaged through the house and found several items that I think I can sell on Etsy and Ebay in addition to the books that Ill continue trying to sell to online retailers. On Etsy I can sell some of the hand made goods I've made ( I'm pretty crafty) as well as a few "vintage" things that I either already had or bought very inexpensively. Oh, and I can sell some of my art supplies too. I need to purge that stuff anyways.

On Ebay, right now my goal is simply to learn how it works and make enough to at least break even and maybe only earn a couple bucks while I learn the system, fees, what sells, etc. I'm not risking much because I already have the stuff I'm selling. Once i have a better idea of how it works, I'd love to eventually expand that. I know of a few people who consistently make a few hundred dollars every week. Some people online who make a few thousand every month, which would be like a full-time job.

There are calculators for both Etsy and Ebay that include the PayPal fees and can help me figure out what the minimum price I need to set for each item is. If the item doesn't sell, I also know how much I have to pay to have the item listed (about 30 cents each.) So that's a tool that will really help.

Anyways....The other things I'm looking at is a company called Leapsource. They are a trusted company that hires at home workers to help improve search engines. The pay is about 13 an hour and Id only *have* to put in about 20 hours per month but could put in more as time (and sanity!) allowed. There's a testing process to get in there and I've known a few people who have not been able to get past that. Leapforce also prefers people with bachelors degrees and so far, I only have an Associates. We shall see.....I'm also sure I would want to stab my eyes out from boredom with that sort of work but you gotta do what you gotta do.

And finally, Ive been getting paid to take surveys. I've made a whopping 10 bucks for a few hours worth of filling out surveys. What bothers me most about it is that there are so many surveys I start and take for about 10 minuets before it tells me that either I don't qualify or they have reached their quota of participants and I dont get paid for my time. Its a waste of time. However, when  I have a couple free minutes, I do find myself clicking away answering survey questions. I guess if I can even earn enough in my spare moments to fill the gas tank once thats not a terrible thing, but in no way will it ever be a significant way to make money.

So, Im having a ton of fun with online sales and praying that will take off, but if not, I do have two other, more boring options to look into....Let see how this goes!

How far along? 27 Weeks!

How far along? 27 Weeks!
Total weight gain/loss: First I lost about 7% of my prepregnancy body weight from the Hyperemesis gravidarum, now I have gained that back and am finally at about 12 lbs over my prepregnancy weight! Wohoo!
Maternity clothes? Yup, have been since about 10 weeks! Maybe earlier?.
Stretch marks? None so far
Best moment this week: It wasnt a moment, really, but Ive had a good week. Lots of progress made around the house and lots of good prepping for the baby...and some nice conversation meeting up with a friend for coffee
Have you told family and friends: Yes, we told everyone right away this time, even on FB. With the last pregnancy our close friends knew, our families knew and our church knew. But we had not made the announcement public yet when we found out we'd lost the baby at 10.5 weeks. Everyone's support when we lost that baby was just so helpful. This time we announced to everyone within about two weeks of finding out because we decided we wanted everyone to celebrate with us, for as long as we had the little one to love.
Miss Anything? Im not a big drinker, but Im surprised Ive been missing alcohol! LOL! I also miss sleeping on my stomach.
Movement: Tons! The baby was kicking up a storm in church this morning, we could actually see it through my shirt. :)
Food cravings: Beginning to crave sweet foods, before this it has mostly been spicy foods.
Anything making you queasy or sick: After the hyperemeis, where everything made me sick all the time, I am surprised Im mostly okay. Every now and then certain smells make me gag, and the other day in a store I heard a small child retching and I almost vomited in the aisle! Im still on my anti-nausea med and if I skip doses of that I do get sick and throw up again.
Have you started to show yet: Oh big time. People think Im having multiples. Been showing since 8 weeks.
Gender: We are not doing ultrasounds* so we dont know and I dont have any guesses.
Names: We Think we have settled on a girls name. Boys names are giving us a lot more trouble!
Labor Signs: NO!! Eeek, what a scary thought!
Belly Button in or out? outie, been an outie since about 14ish weeks?
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy and productive, if not a little anxious.
Looking forward to: meeting this baby!!!


*although we did not want any ultrasounds, we did have two very very fast ones on two of my ER trips (I was in the ER every few days because of the hyperemsis) Total, our baby was probably only exposed to the ultrasound for 5 minutes. Just enough time to see a heartbeat, that there is only ONE baby and at the last one (at 10.5 weeks) to see the most adorable profile and wiggling around. *inlove* Unfortunately we dont have a picture from the ultrasound because it was performed on the little portable machine, but it was still neat to see. :)


Okay, so...Im about to start trimester three. According to some Tri three starts at 27 weeks and according to others it doesnt start until 28 weeks. *shrugs* whatever. Its so hard to believe that Im already basically done with my second trimester. It felt so short!! I think that is because I was sick in bed until about week 18, so I tend to lump that time in with the first trimester, making my second seem like its only 9-10 weeks long. Hehe. I'm still comfortable most of the time- its a little hard to get comfy at night and my ribs and sacrum really hurt sometimes. But my midwives are referring me to a a physical therapist (if my insurance doesn't approve the chiropractic) And, Im officially starting biweekly check ups with the midwives too. Wow, already!? About two weeks from now I have the GD test. Hope that goes okay.


Thats all for now.

The baby I never got to hold

Well, this blog has been long abandoned.  I didn't really like bloggers new lay-out so I think I got tired of using it. But I want to blog now.

I'm having a baby. I'm 16.5 weeks along. This is our second pregnancy, I guess it will be my first child.

We were expecting a baby back in August. We lost that little one. That sweet baby. I was 10.5 weeks along when we found out our baby's heart had stopped beating. Id had a subchorionic hemorrhage at 8.5 weeks (That is, I started bleeding quite a bit and it was from a bleed in the placenta) and saw our little one's heart beating on the ultrasound in the Emergency Room. That's the only time we ever saw our baby. :'-(  The bleeding stopped and we hoped our baby was okay. I had bad morning sickness and  we took that as a good sign. We had already planned to spend some time at my Brother and Sister In Laws house near Virginia Beach to see their new comic book store. We went there and had a really great time. everyone was excited about the baby. Things seemed to go okay...till 10.5 weeks. I started bleeding. I called my midwives and got an emergency appointment for an ultrasound. Part of me felt really silly going in. My husband joined me for the Ultrasound. By that time I had convinced myself I was just bleeding a little more from the SCH. I was actually a little excited to see my baby again by that point.

But it turned out our baby had died. They think the baby passed sometime in the 9th week. My world felt like it was caving in. I was so sad. My husband was so sad. Our family and friends were amazingly supportive and loving. The only people who said stupid things were professionals. :-/

Since we didnt know if our baby was a boy or a girl we chose a name that could work for either. The baby we lost is named Liran Taavi. It means "My song, My joy! Dearly loved."  Liran was due to be born April 10th of this year. I'm having a hard time NOT having my baby right now. Here's my Liran Taavi, this is a shot from the ultrasound we had at 8.5 weeks, when we saw the baby's heart beating.

Liran is laying on his/her side. The baby's head is on the left hand side of the screen, you can see the eyes. The arms are surrounding the dark spot, which was where we saw Liran's heart beating. On the right are Liran's lil legs.

I've been missing my sweet Liran a lot lately. I do not believe "everything happens for a reason," nor do I believe that it was "God's plan" for my baby to grow in my womb for nine and a half weeks and then die. I also dont believe that "there was probably something wrong with Liran" OR the implication that my life is better off not raising a seriously disabled child, if that's even who Liran was. It would have been my honor to have taken care of my child every day of its life if that was needed. (Sorry, one of the nurses told me that it was natures way of "sparing" me the heart ache of raising a "sick baby.")

What I do believe is that my sweet baby is living in Heaven, with Jesus. That brings me comfort. I'd secretly hoped Liran would be born a few days earlier, on Easter.I imagined that was the most beautiful day of ther year for a new life to begin. This Easter will come and go and my Liran will not be born. Liran wont be born on the April 10th due date either. This year, Liran will celebrate Easter, not by being born or being waited for, hidden safely in my womb, but rather Liran will spend this Easter safe in the arms of his/her savior. I imagine there is extra celebrating in Heaven on Easter. Extra joy in celebrating the victory over death. I bet there is nothing more beautiful than that.

I will spend this Easter waiting. Waiting for this new sweet baby to grow and grow- to be born sometime around the last week of August or there abouts. And...waiting for the day- hopefully many years from now, where I will get to meet my Liran face to face. Then, I will hold my baby.

Sigh. When I logged on here I thought I was going to be talking about the baby growing inside me now. I guess not. I guess I needed to talk about my first baby.

2 Corinthians 4:8, 17-18:

“We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not
in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.”

Delicious, easy, vegan pumpkin pie!

Getting ready for thanksgiving tonight and had to find a new recipe for my vegan pumpkin pie, as the tofu based recipe I have been using the last few years just never does the trick. Thankfully, each year I bake this pie I am a little more experienced with vegan baking- so this year I knew it was the tofu I really needed to do without and to seek a better binding ingredient. I based this recipe off of an almost identical one I found on a Mothering.com message board. I doubled it and my hubby and I dug into the first pie tonight. WE LOVED IT. This is one for our family cook book.

1 14oz can pumpkin
1/2 cup "milk" - soy or whatever
1/4 cup cornstarch
1/3 cup maple syrup
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 cup sugar
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp ginger
1/4 tsp allspice
1 tsp vanilla extract

9" pie crust

Preheat oven to 375.Put all filling ingredients in food processor. Blend until smooth. Dump filling into crust. Bake 40-45 minutes. Remove from oven and let cool.

Caring for a recovering husband- how domestic!

This week has been a blur!! Not entirely what one would recognize as being terribly domestic if they came and looked at my home! On the contrary, the house is a wreck, there are dishes sitting needing to be done and laundry waiting to be washed. I would actually be mortified if somebody could see my bathroom right now!

That said, By goodness have I been busy at work being a loving wife this week. I mentioned my husband had to have major ear surgery. Praise God that went well! It ended up being less invasive than they thought. However, the recovery has been MUCH harder than they had anticipated and much harder than we had prepared for! My poor husband has been completely incapable of self care this past week. He has needed help with EVERYTHING. Obviously changing his dressing and such but also ever time he needed a drink, to get food, etc. The first several nights we were up every 2-4 hours. I was EXHAUSTED!!! I guess that is what it will be like to have a baby! He needed medicine, comfort, water, you name it. He has basically be bed-bound, he hasn't even been able to shower yet.

Today was the first time he left the house and that was only because I had to take him to the hospital because we were concerned he had an infection (he doesn't!) We went to the VA hospital and they gave him a cane, because he is having a hard time walking due to the balance issues caused by working on his ear.

I've really felt for my poor baby. He is normally so strong and independent. Its sad to see him so weak and DEPENDENT. I've been really stretched thin this week, but you know what? I would not trade the opportunity to take care of my husband when he is ill for ANYTHING. It is such a blessing to be able to be here with him and to *know* he is being taken care of. He finally seems to be getting better today and that is a huge blessing too. :-) 

If you pray please!

So, my husband has to have major ear surgery on Thursday. They are going to basically disconnect the back of his ear and pull it forward and drill into the skull behind the ear in order to reach his middle ear. They will probably replace the three tiny bones inside the ear and they are also going to take a graph from his earlobe and turn it into a new eardrum. :-( We are both really nervous. If he doesn't have the surgery he will most likely go deaf. He already has substantial hearing loss and that is hard to cope with sometimes. He will also continue to get really terrible double ear infections throughout the winter, as he did last winter. So please pray for that. Thank you!

Sushi on the Cheap

Picking the fillings, the fun part!

You know what I LOVE about summer? The tons and tons of fresh veggies!!! You know how I love to eat my veggies besides a delectable salad? As sushi! So, sushi is so easy to make its not even funny. It's also extremely thrifty if you buy the ingredients at the right place. I buy the sheets of nori at the local Asian grocery store, if you don't need to read labels to check for milk (or if you speak whatever language is printed on the packaging) you can also buy your wasabi paste or powder there. I got 50 sheets of nori for about 5 bucks which was much, much cheaper than Whole Foods Market or the regular grocery store and it stores well enough that I can keep those sheets for a long time to use them all up. Oh, if you don't already have soy sauce and brown rice vinegar you might pick them up at the Asian market too as they will be much cheaper. If you don't care about organic- feel free to buy your rice and or veggies at the Asian market too. I prefer organic so I get mine form the garden, the farmers market or a grocery store that sells organic (obviously the last option is the most expensive.)

Carefully rolling the sushi into logs first. Leave each roll
as a log for several minutes before cutting into bite size pieces.

I prefer brown rice- but a lot of people like sushi rice. Sushi rice is stickier but I also think it taste way too sweet for my pallet. I invite you to use a recipe off line but basically all I did was cook my brown rice in the rice cooker with a little more water than usual. I was making two servings so I needed to have at least two cups prepared (plan one cup per person.) I'm notoriously atrocious at exercising the self discipline necessary to follow real directions and instead read several recipes and then adjust them to what I have in my pantry. So I mixed the two cups of prepared brown rice with 1/4 cup of apple cider vinegar and about 2 tablespoons of soy sauce. Tossed it and let it sit in the fridge while I sliced up the veggies. This particular day I stuffed them with lettuce, julienne sliced carrots, cucumber, avocado and mango. Hubby also put some sumari (fake crab) in his that we picked up very cheap in the refrigerated section of the grocery store. And I marinated and pan tossed some tofu for mine. I recommend watching a video on youtube about how to stuff and roll the sushi. Its not an easy thing to describe and much easier to show. I really liked this girls video, had all the details I needed: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgw0ODfWSOs

My knife was really not sharp enough to make clean cuts...
and I cant figure out how to flip this picture!

My husband loved these- but he enjoyed watching me make them almost as much! We served them with the wasabi and soy sauce, it was great and so so much cheaper then buying them out. Perfect for a hot day and a good finger food for parties- just plan on making it a few times for yourself before you attempt to make a party debut as there is a learning curve to rolling and slicing them. I'd recommend a sharp knife!

What do large families do "in case..." ?

So, my hearts desire is to have a large family one day....maybe 6-8 kids. I wouldn't be unhappy if I ended up with 11!! But Mike says "no, absolutely not" and argues with 6 being too many...well, we already agreed BEFORE we got married to plan for six and then renegotiate to see if we think we can handle more once the first six are here...

So I am a planner and even though we don't have a single child YET, I'd like to know what our plan is if we ever  passed on while the majority of our children are still minors. My parents had 4 children and the plan was for us to either go and live with my (then single, no children) aunt or possibly a family friend who already had many children and would probably be capable of parenting us...however they never PREPARED for that so its a darn good thing nothing ever happened.

So I have thought about this and I know it will likely change over the years as our family grows and as our needs change and as my potential named guardians lives change... All biological parents (grand parents) are out for various reasons. There is a sibling or two between the two of us that I would consider placing my children with, but I know none of those siblings want to parent a lot of children....I want our children to be raised by an active Protestant with similar values. That leaves like one person. I have a dear friend who I would consider, but not sure her husband would ever agree to it...

We plan on taking out substantial life insurance once we have children, "just in case." And I know that nay adoption subsidies we had would be transferred to the other family/person. Also any money/resources we had would be left to that family or a trust for the children or whatever...But Im wondering if its even practical to think 6+ children could all be placed with a single family, So my question, do other large families prepare for this? And if so, HOW? Is there a plan to separate the children, and if so how (biological, birth order or roles played by each child, genders, etc.?) Its very hard for me to consider that it would EVER be beneficial  to separate children, especially after they have gone through a traumatic loss (like their parents dying.) The whole reason I first started WANTING to do foster care was to keep sibling groups together. But I realize there comes a time when whats ideal and whats possible sometimes divorce. :-(

Ultimately, solving this issue is not essential for us to start and keep building our family. I trust that God is in control and he WILL provide answers as they are needed. (Its going to take several years before we have that many kids and if we died when we only had 2 or something there are tons of people I would consider...) So we may meet "the perfect" family one day for that role. And I hope and pray my husband and I will get to parent our children until they are adults (minimally.) But, just because we are "on Gods team" doesn't mean things CANNOT happen to us. I heard a of a Christian family with 12 children where the mother and father passed. Unfortunately they HAD NOT named a guardian or gotten insurance because they were "trusting God." So their children were split up into a number of different homes of relatives/friends some of whom DID NOT share their same beliefs. I think that is sad.

"I could never love a child I could lose"

Well, I wasn't sure what to title this, and I may well change it before I publish this- but yes, it’s true...all our children are just temporarily here.

I have known I wanted to be a foster parent for as long as I can remember- I suppose as soon as I realized that one could adopt a child that wasn’t a baby; that there were not-yet-grown boys and girls in the world who needed a mommy to love them for a while, either until their own mommy could get things together or until forever, if need be. I’ve been increasingly vocal about my goal since Jr. High and over and over again I have heard:

“Oh I could never love a child I knew I could lose.”

I’ve heard this line from many well-meaning people. People who have adopted all their children and who would love nothing more than to be able to adopt more but cannot afford another international adoption. People who claim to want “as many children as the Lord provides,” yet somehow overlook the charge in James 1:27 that says “pure and simple religion is to look after orphans.” People who have raised wonderful, caring children but can’t consider even one more. And of course people like myself who haven’t parented any children yet- biological or otherwise. It’s a really common belief- that one couldn’t love a child knowing they could lose him or her.

Today as I was driving home from work in my mini-van I glanced up in my rearview mirror and for a moment got an excited flutter in my tummy as I imagine, for a split second, the day (in the hopefully not-too-distant future) that I would glance back there and see a precious foster child or two (okay, I may have automatically imagine as many as three or four) sleeping in their car seats and boosters. As I focused my attention back on the road my mind wandered to what I would say when I’m out in public with my batch of kids (some foster, some adopted, some biological) to the question I’ve heard so many foster parents bring up on message boards “Are they all yours?” My first thought is usually “Yes- at least for today” because I already know that even my “temporary” children will be loved fiercely by me- and I know I will want to claim them as my own. But something else about my knee-jerk response caught my attention tonight…

If I am blessed with biological children- that answer of “Yes, at least for today,” could just as easily indicate that one of THEM will not be with me the next day. A child can be called home to Jesus at any time in their lives. As a matter of fact- a more appropriate answer to the question, “Are they all yours?” would be “No, they are all God’s.” Even the biological ones are only here on “loan.”

A friend of mine died when she was just 16. She was killed in random gang violence on her way home from church. Becky’s parents placed a poem in the memorial program handed out at her funeral. It read:


I'll Lend You a Child
by Edgar Guest

"I'll lend you for a little time a child of mine,"  He said.
For you to love - while he lives
And mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years
Or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call him back,
Take care or him for Me?
He'll bring his smiles to gladden you,
And should this stay be brief
You'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay,
Since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn.
I've looked this world over
In search for teachers true,
And from the throngs that crowd
Life's lanes, I have selected you.
Now will you give him all your love,
Nor count the labor vain,
Nor hate Me when I come to call to
Take him back again?"
I fancied that I heard then say,
"Dear Lord, Thy will be done,
For all the joy Thy child shall bring,
The risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness,
We'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known
Forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for him
Much sooner than we've planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that come
And try to understand."

You see, Becky’s parents didn’t KNOW they were going to lose her when she was just 16, but they recognized that she- like their other children were only promised to them on a moment to moment basis. Another friend of mine, Natalie, passed when she was in her early teens after a battle with bone marrow cancer. Her parents didn’t stop loving her the day they learned that there was a very real possibility that they would lose her. My friend B.D. has Cystic Fibrosis- her mother knew from the time she was an infant that her time with her daughter was going to be much shorter than she would like. But the option of not loving B.D. was never an option- it was really pretty automatic. If you asked her now, as B.D. is about to give her a first grandchild, if it was worth the risk- I bet you she would say yes a thousand times over. Another precious woman- whose blog I find so moving- only got to have her precious baby, Samuel, with her here on earth for the 9 months she carried him in her womb before he was called home unexpectedly. Her love for him is FIERCE, even though she only got to have him for just so long. Anyone who reads her blog knows that she is thankful she had those nine months with Samuel- I don’t believe she would have avoided loving him if she knew that’s all the time she would share with him here on earth and I would go so far as to assume that if she knew ahead of time what would happen in the end she would still have elected to spend at least that little bit of time with him.

My point in bringing all these VERY sad stories up is not to depress you. It’s to challenge the all-too-common idea that one could never love a child they might lose. If you love a child- then you ALREADY loving a child you could lose. By God's grace, everyone who is reading this blog entry will go on to glory BEFORE all their children here on earth. But loving somebody is ALWAYS taking a risk. And I believe it is one that is always worth taking when it concerns a child.

I recognize that foster care and adoption is NOT for everyone. I don’t assume that everyone who says that they know they cannot foster parent is wrong and/or selfish. There are sometimes valid reasons a person cannot  or should not foster. That’s okay and I am supportive of people who know that its not for them and respect them for knowing their limits. I just want to challenge anyone who thinks that they could never foster simply because they could never love a child they knew they could lose to rethink that idea. Could they? Could you?

One year Anniversary

Our one year anniversary was June 28th, only, I'm just now getting the chance to write about it! In short, It was amazing and I LOVE my husband!

A few days before the grand event, I knew DH had something special planned, only, he wouldn't tell me what it was!!! It didn't matter how I tried to guess or bribe, he was not letting any clues slip. So the morning of, we exchanged little gifts with each other. Since we had decided to buy a canoe as out "official first anniversary present" we limited it to 10 bucks....we both ended up getting each other a coffee cup of some sort. Hehe. He'd spotted a batman mug a while back that he mentioned he liked and I wanted a travel thermos cup (the sort that look disposable but aren't And we just hung out at the apartment for a while, taking a slow morning, having fun together.

It wasn't time to go to the surprise date yet, so we went to the book store, which is our favorite hang-out and looked at books (this is because we are insanely cool and interesting people!) and drank coffee. I had this excited giddy feeling in my tummy. Its so fun to just hang out with my hubby and so fun also to think "a year ago today..." sort of thoughts.

Finally DH told me it was time to go to the surprise date! We got in the car and started driving...we got on the highway...and after a few minutes, I saw a familiar bridge! I knew where this man was taking me, why to the best Vegan Restaurant in the world of course! Not just any vegan restaurant, BUT the restaurant where we had our first date :-D It turns out, that he had even made reservations for us!!! It was so special. We hardly ever go out to eat and when we do, we usually split a meal to cut down on costs (strangely enough, that is usually plenty of food!) but today we decided to go all out and not only each get our own meal, but an appetizer too. The food was sooo good! We sat either at or near the table we had for our first date there. We couldn't remember for sure because we hadn't been back there since cus its kinda pricey...anyways, it was fun to remissness about our dating months while we enjoyed our first anniversary meal together. :)

After that, we went and walked along the side of the lake, which was nice because we had the PERFECT weather, We were also enjoying planning what we were going to do with our canoe, where we were going to take it.

In the days that followed, we got our canoe and I made carrot cake because thats what we had at our reception, but were not able to save any for our first anniversary. It was kinda special! I don't know how we forgot to take any pictures for the event, but we did totally forget. haha. Here is a picture though of our new boat!  

Crazy-eager to start our family!!!

I have the WORST baby fever right now!!! I want to be pregnant, I want to have children, I want to cloth diaper their little bottoms and homeschool them and play with them all summer long. Sigh.

We are officially NOT trying- and trying to NOT. I know we are not ready for a baby right now. And we are not in the position to foster right now either. Neither of us have our degrees. We live in a one bedroom apartment with a commitment to remaining debt-free (That means we don't want to buy a house till we can pay for it.) We are not what I would describe as struggling, but money is tight and I don't even have health insurance right now and haven't for a year.

I used to get bad baby fever sometimes before I was married and it was relatively easy to ignore, or so far from a possibility that I felt content to just day-dream...but it is soooo hard now that I have a husband to ignore it!!! I find myself looking at the photo listing of waiting children on adoptuskids.org and wanting to pick up tons of kid/baby stuff to start our stash (which I have so far not done as we have very little space and it would probably get ruined before it was used anyways)

It does NOT help that like  6 of my close friends are expecting this fall/winter. Grrr!!

Okay, BUT, I am trying to appreciate all the things I can do right now in this season of my life that i will not be able to do in that season. I'm trying to focus on growing closer with my husband and with God so I can be the mother I one day hope to be. Im really TRYING to be patient. Its just so hard!

Thank God that REALLY eating healthy is so cheap!

My husband's income is tied directly to his school enrollment so the summer is a lean time for us. Unfortunately, this year we were hit with several maintenance costs on BOTH of our new (used) vehicles that we were not really anticipating. Breaks needed replacing in my van, all tires and break/similes and wheel assembly on the car needed to be rebuilt. Thankfully, my very skilled hubby was able to do most of the repairs, saving us HUNDREDS, maybe even as much as a grand. But the costs of parts and tires and tools etc still set us back well over 1k which not only depleted all of our emergency fund but also ate into the money we had squirled away knowing that summer would bring a drop in income. My husband is still taking very intense summer courses, so he really cannot work. My summer load is not intense, plus I'm used to the stress of full-time school and full-time work anyways so I am continuing to work while I take summer courses.

But with having suddenly such a small sum in our bank account we are feeling slightly nervous and reevaluating which costs can be cut. We are both rather frugal people (how else would we be able to save up for the months of summer, and pay off our debt all during the school year?) but there are still some areas we can tweak. One of those areas is groceries.

Thankfully eating healthy is rather cheap when you are fond of cooking (which I am.)  Unfortunately a few factors combined to get us in the habit of eating certain convenience foods which I am normally not accustomed to (Including adapting my menus to my hubby's palette during our first year of marriage and my suffering a bout with my chronic health issues from about January-May.) But this new situation is stretching me to dig deep and get back in the (tiny) kitchen!

When people first hear that I am vegan, invariably one of the first responses is "I could never afford to eat that way!" Which would probably be true of most people if they bought all the commercially vegan products on the market! One way I'm stretching out our budget by going back to making meals based around the dozens of dried beans and lentils I can buy in bulk for less than a dollar a pound at the grocery store. There are endless possibilities with these: black bean burgers, lentil loaf, lentil pot pie, chili,  hummus, jambalaya, pasta-bean salads, "meatballs" made of beans and seasonings, and my husbands favorite- Bean Burritos!  I also like to keep some made up in the refrigerator  to throw on salads and stuff. Plus I have dozens more recipes I am dying to try.

Aside from that we always do grains from scratch (which we mostly buy in the bulk section) including:brown rice, quinoa, amaranth, oatmeal and barley...I haven't been too creative with this yet an mostly just serve them as sides or for the quinoa make a salad.

For fruits and vegetables, I have  that BJs has really inexpensive organic apples and oranges.And I am hoping to make it to the farmers market this week. We don't do 100% organic due to costs, but we do consistently buy certain things organically such as greens and other things highly affected by chemical pesticides. I attempted to garden this year and was sadly disappointed. There seems to be a learning curve to gardening in pots as I now have to do living in an apartment. but I'm not willing to give up on that yet as I both love to garden and know it will save us money. Although we steer clear of canned veggies for the most part, i like to buy large packages of frozen fruits and veggies at BJs and incorporate those into dishes that wont be hurt much by not using fresh. It saves us money on produce for sure. We're also gonna try to start making our own organic soy milk and bread. Those things fell to the way-side while I was sick.

One thing I am very weary of is that I don't want to go crazy with saving money on food and stuff and end up eating boring stuff or get sick again (Its very easy for me to become malnourished due to my health condition) For example, I HATE buying fruit juices!!! It seems like such a waste of money. My parents didn't buy them while I was growing up for the same reason. However, my dietitian has asked me to drink juices throughout the day because it is a way to both sneak extra calories into my diet and keep me hydrated. I have a really bizarre and random fear of drinking things- including water which leads to chronic dehydration. I'm working hard to get over that phobia, but its not easy and for some reason some of these juices go down easy. Thankfully, I can buy a 40 pack of 100% juice individual servings at BJs for less than $10.00 so that is what I am using for now.

Anyways, so that's the deal! This week my NOT eat breakfast cereal for breakfast but to instead opt for something like oatmeal or make a big batch of muffins and soy-yogurt to eat for breakfast. It will be healthier and cheaper!

Whats your best tip for saving money on groceries???